I recently completed the Jr. Penetration Tester learning path on TryHackMe, which I count as my first major “win” towards my goal of becoming a pentester/ethical hacker. I started the course in early July and had big ambitions to finish it within a month, but life and COVID had other plans. It’s now the end of September, so I’m only a month off schedule. I’ll take it. Especially, since there were times where I felt like giving up and/or just never thought I’d understand what was in front of me. I mean, technically I understand (mostly) everything presented, but my ability to execute or in certain cases dealing with unclear instruction definitely tried my patience.
Looking back on the journey, I definitely learned a lot of new concepts and skills! Most of which I readily admit will take more time and usage to master beyond conceptual understand. But I can at least say I’m farther today than I am when I started. I have a much better comprehension of the Triple T’s (tool, tactics and techniques) of pentesting and, more importantly, I better idea of what to look for.
This experience has also lead me to a few personal realization that, until now, I struggled with but never admitted to myself:
- I get overwhelmed with not knowing what I don’t know, and more specifically, not knowing where/how to start filling in that gap in my knowledge.
- Beating myself up when I don’t immediately grasp or retain technical concepts
- And, holding myself to some arbitrary schedule to know it all when there are no pressures to do so outside of myself.
Anxiety. Imposter Syndrome. Perfectionism.
Before starting down this path, I never realized how much these three concepts affect me on a personal level. I always knew I held myself up on a certain level, and lord knows, I have dealt with imposter syndrome in the past when pursuing new things. But before, I was usually quick to get past these roadblocks, or at least that’s what it always seemed like.
These past two or so months however have really shined a light on how wrong I was. Or, maybe, it’s just come to ahead because this project has been more difficult than others I’ve attempted in the past. It’s hard to say, but what I do know is that now that I see these problems for what they are, it’s eye-opening.
Anxiety
For me, my anxiety started pretty immediately in the form of wanting to pursue this path of ethical hacking but having no clue how to do so. Sure, I googled it like anyone would, but good lord the sheer volume of information and choice made me feel like a drowning fish. The thing I struggled heavily with at the start is not know, of all the options presented, which were the best. Which platform, book, bootcamp or certificate should I pursue? Should I do a combination of some or all of them? Does paying $600+ for a platform make it better than a $10 platform?
So. Many. Choices!
It wasn’t until I’d gone through roughly half a dozen different platforms and resources that I finally zeroed in and focused. I also got some great advice from a few people in the field who I was able to connect with on LinkedIn.
But, even with a starting point and heading, I still suffered from anxiety. Maybe worse than before. Now, the anxiety manifest as result of looking at how long is takes me to grasp concepts, retain information, and the speed at which I’m progressing. I’ll get a bit more into these below, but I will since that just completing my first learning path with TryHackMe it has gotten better. I still feel myself getting anxious but, accomplishing this goal has helped prove to myself and we’re doing ok and making progress, which was my biggest fear.
Imposter Syndrome & Perfectionism
Imposter syndrome + Perfectionism = “Never going to be good enough. Because ‘good enough’ is not enough.”
These two internalized demons really go hand-in-hand for me. I fall into the trap of feeling like a imposter, one that is never going to be good at this magic-techno-stuff, because I feel that I must be perfect at it first to prove myself. Who the hell am I trying to prove myself to? Everyone. Well, maybe not everyone, but everyone in this new field I’m trying to break into.
It’s hilarious (read: depressingly sad) because I truly don’t mind not having all the answers or being the one in the room that raises their hand to ask a question. I’m happy to own up to my mistakes and ask for help. But there is a part of me, a very deep part of me, that wants to be able to say “I know all of this conceptual stuff, can at least understand the conversation around me, and keep up.”
I fear not being able to keep up and coming across as incompetent. I also fear, like many women in the tech field, that if I can’t keep up (or am seen that way) that I’ll subsequently be seen as a token hire. It doesn’t help matters that I am also a person of color, so that fear (real or not) is doubled for me.
There was a time in my career where I didn’t feel this way and I’m not sure when it crept in exactly, but it’s there and damn if it isn’t fucking good at holding me back. Or at the very least it makes me question myself and go “Am I really good enough yet? Maybe… maybe we should find another course or book first.”
I don’t know that I’ll truly ever get past these two, but being aware of them makes it easier to manage. Having people outside of myself to use as sounding boards, especially people in the field, also allows me to gage my knowledge and readily off of them and get constructive feedback on my actual progress.
Onward – One Step at a Time
So that’s where things stand right now. I’ve learned a lot over the last few months academically and about myself personally. It’s been a interest journey so far and I’m excited (and anxious) about where I’ll be two months from now.
Hopefully, I’ll have an even better handle of my demons and have gotten even better at pentesting/ethical hacking.
Wish me luck!
